Saturday, February 23, 2013

Get it Right

Sometimes I think that to be with God I have to get it right when it is quite the contrary. It's like in John bob's song that he wrote a while ago that still reminds me today:

Sometimes I think that to get near you I have to get it right
But the only way to really ever get it right is to be near you
Sometimes I think that you're so hard when it's my fist that's tight
So arrogant to think that I could ever do is enough to be near you

And still you reach out your hand
You look inside and you understand
You know the sickness of this man
And yet you want me near you...

Sometimes I think that to get near you that I have to be filled with light
But the only way to really be filled with light is to be near you
Sometimes I want to make you smile but all I ever do is fight
So silly to think that I would ever have to fight to be near you

And still your arms are open wide
Though I might be naked I don't have to hide
You became flesh  and you lived an died just to have me near you

All I have to do is let go of all the things I have tied to myself
All I have to do is say no to everything that I would make of myself
All I have to say is there is nothing I can ever change about myself

There's nothing I can do
It's nothing without You
Just walking next to what will make us free

So here I stand with all my plans laid open in your light
They all seem to stand between me and the need to be near you
None of it seems to matter when you've got me in your sight
Burn every single thing if it means that I'll get to stay near you

...and I'll listen to the wind blowing in the trees
Your sweet song brings me to my knees
Singing that the goal of everything I see
Is to have me near you

Everything he wrote in that song is so true. I have also thought that God would change His love for me when I am really the one who wants to change because I find His unending love awkward at times. Half of the time I am so caught up in what to do about it that I forget to just enjoy it and love Him back. I don't know why I keep thinking that I have to earn His love somehow because I can never really earn His love- it's just there waiting for me to notice it.
When trials come it is hard for me to see that His love is still there. I just think that through my problems He is trying to point out how wrong I am and 'sit' on my head. I don't know how many times I will end up saying this in my posts but I was so wrong and for that I am glad. In the Bible somewhere, I am horrible with memorizing the actual versus, it says that we all have a piece of Christ living in us, since we are a part of Christ's body on the earth. I forget that He actually lives inside of me and get bored of doing good deeds, taking the lower place, and being my brother's keeper. I am human. I don't know why it is so hard for me to admit this. I remember when I was younger, Aubrey used to always tell me that humans will always make mistakes but that is part of the beauty of learning. She was right too. I guess I have always wanted to be something better and thought I could be something better than a human when He is the one who put me in this flesh with a beating heart.
I guess through this post I wanted to confirm to myself that I should be glad that I cannot get things right, but rejoice in being by His side. I want to make the most out of living life right now as a single woman and use that time wisely. I'm sure it is hard for my friends to keep me accountable in this because when they are right about coming to me, I get mad and either yell back at them or condemn myself. Neither is productive so now that I have recognized this weakness, I will try to do better at it. Someday I am going to make this shirt that has a big 'L' on it that represents 'learner'. My mom always said when I was little that I should always have an 'L' stamped on my forehead that let everyone know that I wanted to be a learner. Hopefully when I am able to stamp that letter on my forehead and wear that shirt, other people outside of the village will not think that the 'L' stands for loser! LOL! Anyways, it's the thought that counts :)
Thank you God that I am the imperfect, learning, and sometimes oblivious person that You made me. Please teach me how to accept myself the way I am and to stop fixing myself when things go wrong. For I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the one who knows the needs of the doves and clothes the lilies in radiance that man can never truly duplicate. I am blessed to be near you...

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