Saturday, February 23, 2013

Get it Right

Sometimes I think that to be with God I have to get it right when it is quite the contrary. It's like in John bob's song that he wrote a while ago that still reminds me today:

Sometimes I think that to get near you I have to get it right
But the only way to really ever get it right is to be near you
Sometimes I think that you're so hard when it's my fist that's tight
So arrogant to think that I could ever do is enough to be near you

And still you reach out your hand
You look inside and you understand
You know the sickness of this man
And yet you want me near you...

Sometimes I think that to get near you that I have to be filled with light
But the only way to really be filled with light is to be near you
Sometimes I want to make you smile but all I ever do is fight
So silly to think that I would ever have to fight to be near you

And still your arms are open wide
Though I might be naked I don't have to hide
You became flesh  and you lived an died just to have me near you

All I have to do is let go of all the things I have tied to myself
All I have to do is say no to everything that I would make of myself
All I have to say is there is nothing I can ever change about myself

There's nothing I can do
It's nothing without You
Just walking next to what will make us free

So here I stand with all my plans laid open in your light
They all seem to stand between me and the need to be near you
None of it seems to matter when you've got me in your sight
Burn every single thing if it means that I'll get to stay near you

...and I'll listen to the wind blowing in the trees
Your sweet song brings me to my knees
Singing that the goal of everything I see
Is to have me near you

Everything he wrote in that song is so true. I have also thought that God would change His love for me when I am really the one who wants to change because I find His unending love awkward at times. Half of the time I am so caught up in what to do about it that I forget to just enjoy it and love Him back. I don't know why I keep thinking that I have to earn His love somehow because I can never really earn His love- it's just there waiting for me to notice it.
When trials come it is hard for me to see that His love is still there. I just think that through my problems He is trying to point out how wrong I am and 'sit' on my head. I don't know how many times I will end up saying this in my posts but I was so wrong and for that I am glad. In the Bible somewhere, I am horrible with memorizing the actual versus, it says that we all have a piece of Christ living in us, since we are a part of Christ's body on the earth. I forget that He actually lives inside of me and get bored of doing good deeds, taking the lower place, and being my brother's keeper. I am human. I don't know why it is so hard for me to admit this. I remember when I was younger, Aubrey used to always tell me that humans will always make mistakes but that is part of the beauty of learning. She was right too. I guess I have always wanted to be something better and thought I could be something better than a human when He is the one who put me in this flesh with a beating heart.
I guess through this post I wanted to confirm to myself that I should be glad that I cannot get things right, but rejoice in being by His side. I want to make the most out of living life right now as a single woman and use that time wisely. I'm sure it is hard for my friends to keep me accountable in this because when they are right about coming to me, I get mad and either yell back at them or condemn myself. Neither is productive so now that I have recognized this weakness, I will try to do better at it. Someday I am going to make this shirt that has a big 'L' on it that represents 'learner'. My mom always said when I was little that I should always have an 'L' stamped on my forehead that let everyone know that I wanted to be a learner. Hopefully when I am able to stamp that letter on my forehead and wear that shirt, other people outside of the village will not think that the 'L' stands for loser! LOL! Anyways, it's the thought that counts :)
Thank you God that I am the imperfect, learning, and sometimes oblivious person that You made me. Please teach me how to accept myself the way I am and to stop fixing myself when things go wrong. For I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the one who knows the needs of the doves and clothes the lilies in radiance that man can never truly duplicate. I am blessed to be near you...

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

True Friendship

I have been learning so much about this phrase recently; at least so much more than I thought I knew before. You know how when you ask God to help you with your struggles, like I have been asking God to help me not be so selfish, it seems like He gives you a chance to prove that you can be better? Well that keeps happening and after so many times of trying to get it 'right' I tend to give up on myself and the people around me. I am glad that I have so many friends encouraging me to keep running the race before me and believing in me. It makes such a big difference I don't know how to explain it enough.
Anyways, it dawned on me not too long ago that the Devil likes it when I am absorbed in myself and forget the reason what I am living for. Like I wrote in a much earlier post, he can break me easier when I am alone versus when I am surrounded by the people of God. I would keep getting these whispers in my ear of how maybe some friends were just enduring my faults to get at my good characteristics but it isn't necessarily true. Hannah, Jubilee, and Miss Dossie are classic examples of that because I keep second guessing myself and my beliefs of how much they are for me. I forget how much we have gone through together and how much they really do love me. I guess through all of this writing I want to thank my friends that keep me walking on the straight and narrow path towards the Father. I really am very grateful for every one of them :)

Thank you so much everyone for your support in everything! I love you!

Friday, November 16, 2012

So Blessed Beyond Everything We Deserve

Well, I wanted to share this video link on here to one of the most amazing stories I have ever heard! It reminds me how much I take every day life for granted and how I really should enjoy every moment I have on this earth.
I'll admit that I have been a bit selfish as of recently because I wonder why I find it so hard to accept myself the way I am (because of a few things that have happened before the Ingathering that still seem to effect me).  I don't want to get so focused on myself that I forget the reason why I am living and that is sort-of what happened. I am ashamed that I didn't catch this earlier and want to repent to everyone here and God for not realizing the self pity I was letting myself wallow in. I really do want to serve God and His people with all of my heart, mind , soul, and body. I want to give Him my everything because He is my everything! Thank you so much to all my friends, especially the ones who are bold enough to honestly stand up and talk to me when I am a sloppy mess and ooze all over them. I don't mean to let anyone down, especially God, because I am human so I will need as much grace as God can provide for me in these moments. Thank you again to all my true friends and may the God of Abraham bless every breath you breathe and every step you take to reach for those who need His love.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Lead Me to the Lonely

I use to think that I only needed being saved by God once, but as I grow older I tend to find that I need saving more now just as much as I did before.It is a misconception I have let myself believe for several years that since I have officially been 'saved' means that I am better than my fellow sinners, or more accurately the ones I see struggling with believing at all. I unjustly judge people this way and I say I am sorry so many times I wonder if I will ever truly change. I become so self righteous that it is hard to see myself properly in the mirror. I'm ashamed to say that I have believed my own mind in thinking that I am better than my friends that are struggling. When I go to talk to my brother and mother about how it is just too hard to see the good in these people because they annoy me with the way they carelessly say things or just are, they remind me that God came for the lonely. I forget that I too was lonely and a sinner before God came and found me and called me His own. Jesus Christ came for sinners, for the brokenhearted, for the lonely, for the ones who do not get it right, for the ones who could care less if they lived another day, for the starving and thirsty, for the widow and orphan, for every evil that it would be made good through Him. It's amazing that such a pure love would allow itself to become broken and spat upon just to be with us.To be friends with us forever and ever into eternity. I can never comprehend such a love and so I try not imagining it at all, which tends to make me think that God's love is more subdued than what the bible says. Mind you I can be very wrong about this, this is just my perception and it is willing to change with some patient guidance.

Anyways, my point is that Christ came for every sinner and not for the perfect. I don't know why I thought that I was getting somewhere close to perfection when I am still so far from it, yet I have the audacity to judge a sinner. It's like God has been telling me to remove the plank of wood in my own eye before I can get the splinter of wood out of my brother's eye. Just being able to see myself as a sinner still trying to walk the straight and narrow seems to be so hard for me to visualize and yet that is what I really am. Sure I have been redeemed with precious blood and I am made a new creature in Him. That does not give me any excuse to judge no matter what I feel like. It just doesn't.

I have been told by my parents that it is better to assume the best in another person than the worst, even though I heed it only when I have the time to think deeply about
it. I know now that even though I want some of my 'friends' to know Christ and be saved personally, I need to ask God to save me right now and in this moment. I don't know why it takes so long to get through my thick skull that I am just as bad, maybe worse in some cases, than the people I judge. My prayer right now is that I would see more of my need for Thee versus filling some of that spot with the need to put down others to make myself feel better. I want Him to lead me to the lonely and have a good conscience in saying that not only do I want my peers to be saved, but I want to be saved with them. I know I am repeating myself a lot but I can't get over how simple this sounds! It's almost ridiculous!I pray that my eyes will be opened more to seeing my fellow man through God'eyes not my own. It is a beautiful thing to truly see some one as God created them to be- a marvelous, one of a kind, creature with unsurpassed love for its Creator. I have been encouraged to fall in love with God over and over again. Hopefully, this time I will not get it right but still not get too under it that I forget to try.

"You're never a failure until you fail to try..." - Jill Wolfe

*please pray for my mom that God would heal her body and this infection that is spreading throughout it will be washed away. She is having bad cramps and wants to throw
up even though she doesn't have that much in her stomach. She is on the fifth round of antibiotics and this one is the roughest on her stomach.*

Friday, September 14, 2012

Solomon's Seasons

There is a time for everything,
And a season for every activity under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and a time to uproot,
A time to kill and a time to heal,
A time to tear down and a time to build,
A time to weep and a time to laugh,
A time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
A time to embrace and a time to refrain,
A time to search and a time to give up,
A time to keep and a time to throw away,
A time to tear and a time to mend,
A time to be silent and a time to speak,
A time to love and a time to hate,
A time for war and a time for peace,
He has made everything beautiful in its time...Everything God does will endure forever

I read this poem based off of Ecclesiastes 3 in the action bible that we have laying around in our house, and something about it really opened my eyes to how little I really know of what God is doing in my life right now. I feel like I have these moments when I am at a standstill and God has forgotten about me because He has bigger, better things to deal with. I guess the thing that stands out to me the most is the last line about how everything God made is beautiful in its time. Because I feel at such a standstill in my life I try to make it go faster and things happen. I'm sure I only make it harder on Him in the process because I am so anxious to get out there and fight the bad guys. I forget that one of the only ways to fight the bad guys is to really to draw closer to God. I saw this magnet a while ago that said something about how prayer is really just fighting on your knees (or something like that). Basically drawing my strength from the One who really is strong enough to not only vanquish the bad guys but also turn their hearts to see His light.

Anyways, I just wanted to confess to all the people that like this blog that you are 'following' a person who doesn't really know what they are doing themselves. I have really been praying to God that He will give me a job outside the village that includes something with food or catering because I don't want to go to school anymore. Quite a few people have told me that if I continued to go into a cooking school then once I got out in the real restaurant world, that they would eat me alive, spit me out, and try eating me again. I want what God wants ultimately and I keep laying this dream down at His feet. Sometimes I forget about it because I just want complete peace and confidence that this is actually what He wants me to do with my life. I'm also hoping to get a car with some money that my grandparents set aside for me to go to college. As you can see I just have lots of options and keep giving this back to God but I get the feeling that He really just wants to know what I want. I have been questioning and second guessing myself so much about these things that I want and wondering if God really knows why He put those desires there. I desperately want to figure them out but as you can guess with the poem, I feel that I just need to really wait for God to breathe on it.  So here goes another time just waiting on God's timing.

'Trust is giving something you don't have. Trust is holding onto someone's hand. Trust is looking without seeing, holding on and just believing all is in your Father's hands...'

Sunday, August 26, 2012

I Once Was Blind but Now I See

Well, for a while I have really been asking God to open my eyes to see certain people the way He sees them. I was so sure that I had these people figured out but now that I really look at what God has been revealing to me, I can see how I was so wrong! I don't really know how to explain it much more than that. I am really grateful to God that He has really been answering my prayers because I get so deep into my 'stuff' that I think God made a mistake in the first place with wanting me as a daughter and friend. You know what I mean? It's like I get so wadded up in my own stuff that I forget to really ask God how He sees my problems and help me sort through it. I get so caught up in the fact that I think I can do it by myself even though I know that I really can't without His help. So with the Ingathering coming up and all, I am really looking forward going to this with a new pair of eyes. A pair of eyes to where I can see past the outer problems of people and really see their hearts and appreciate them for who they really are despite their qwirks.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see....

Thank you God for believing in me and not giving up even though I know I can be a hopeless case! I love you all :)

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Religion Stuffed

Just recently I went to a wedding for a friend of mine. It was perfect for her and the decorations really made it special and magical just for the two of them. Anyways, while chatting with some of my friends in a circle I overheard a couple girls talking about their relatives that they considered 'very very Christian Christian'. They explained further to say that these relatives are so Christian that they're always trying to preach to their other relatives that have not found God yet.

That got me thinking about how so many have heard of the wonderful name of Jesus but half of them do not want to really get to know Him because of many different reasons. I don't know if it is people in general but I know that a lot of people don't like to have things stuffed down their throat, spiritually, especially if it has to do with religion. It can be scary and intimidating at the same time depending on the person you are with. I know that for myself I was scared to get to know Christ and really give Him control of my life because He seemed too magnanimous and big. Also I had plans and how I wanted my life to go so naturally it was hard for me to lay these down. The older I get the more I see my need for Him. For me, I would say that sometimes I can tend to stuff spiritual stuff down someone's throat because I want them to know the same kind of joy that I know because of the relationship I have with Christ. In consideration of this I want to step back and say that I don't want to stuff anything down my friend's throats. Yes I still want them to really get a good relationship with God but I don't want to be the cause of them drifting further away because I forced something else on them. Do you get what I mean? The point I want to make is that I would rather myself step back and let God reveal Himself to them in His timing and watch them struggle than choke them with my own version. Not that my version is not important because I believe that everyone has their own way of 'bragging' of God's goodness. I am not very good at the verbal stuff like other people I know.

I watched a Rob Bell video a while ago about how everything we do is spiritual and it fed me immensely. One of the things I remember him saying was that God is not meant to be a religion. That what He really wants is to become the best of friends with us. I highly doubt that God wants to force us into anything unless we are doing something terribly wrong or we are just missing all the obvious signs along the side of the road. He wants to be MY FRIEND. Thinking of God as wanting to really be my bestest friend and lover in the world, it makes me less reluctant to open up to Him. The Bible is full of scripture and stories of what God did so that He could be with us. It really is a beautiful love story, even though I myself have not sat down and intentionally read the whole Bible all the way through so I am a little at fault. Anyways, I just wanted to say that even though I am grateful beyond words can express for what God has done, and continues to do for me, I most of all want my friends to experience His goodness for themselves. Their lives will never be the same once they have been touched by Him because I know I am not the same since He touched me; and for that I am grateful.